Messy Life

September 10, 2018

 

 

Mom life is messy. 

A messy life. 

I know this because 

I thrive to be a stay at home mom. 

 

I’m very fortunate in this aspect. 

Because I get to be the one

Who spends 24 hours a day,

Cleaning up after them,

Feeding them,

Influencing them. 

And while, 

I recognize I’m so lucky. 

Because I don’t trust a lot of people. 

(Nothing against daycares)

 

My husband and I decided 

Early on with Bo,

That we needed to sacrifice. 

 

I was only working part time,

And that wasn’t going to be

Enough to cover daycare expenses. 

 

So we decided collectively. 

 

We would sacrifice together. 

And ensure that someone he loves was home.

All the time. 

 

And then Bo died. 

 

And what once was a clean house,

Slowly fell apart. 

Not literally fell apart,

But the inside of our home,

 

Is messier than before. 

 

Messier and full of tears. 

 

We were 18 weeks pregnant 

At the time

Of Bo’s passing. 

 

 

And believe me when I say, 

the rest of the pregnancy was a torture chamber.

 

I was always thinking about miscarriage.

 

I was thinking about delivering my child born sleeping.

 

Because I wasn’t eating during my pregnancy. 

 

I was emotionally messy,

 

I was grieving. 

 

Up-and-down.

 

I rode the grief roller coaster. 

 

And still do.

And then River came,

And he was such a blessing to be had.

 

And I slowly started looking around my house.

Seeing the chaotic mess. 

 

Remembering the dishes in the sink.

 

But all I could think of was,

 

I don’t want to miss this.

 

If he blinks goofy, I want to see it.

 

If he sneezes, I want to wipe his face.

 

And then River grew. 

 

And although dad and I were a bag full of anxiety,

 

He, in the blink of an eye, 

Turned 2. 

 

Before we knew it,

He was talking and walking.

 

And I looked around our house.

With him asleep in my arms. 

 

And all I could think was,

I don’t want to miss this.

 

I remembered the dishes in the sink.

I looked around our living room,

And I saw the toys sprawled out.

I looked at the laundry basket,

And thought about the laundry.

 

But all I could think about was,

 

I don’t want to miss this.

 

 

And it took me finally being honest.

Honest with myself, 

honest with my husband, 

honest with my family 

and honest with my friends.

 

I’m not a shitty wife.

Sometimes dinner is made 

And sometimes it’s not. 

 

Sometimes I’m on top of the world 

and sometimes I am under so much stress that I can hardly hold my head up.

 

Sometimes I get upset easily,

And sometimes I have Grace.

 

When I finally started being gentle with myself and not beating myself up for being the worst mom of the year,

I started to realize that I am not alone in this.

 

I have a very wonderful husband who works so hard for his family. He puts food on the table and he put us first all the time.

 

I started reading my Bible and everything that I read spoke to my heart. Everything that I read I needed to see.

 

 

Child loss is messy. 

Being a mom is messy.

Our life is messy

 

But through it all,

I am so glad that God has blessed me with my family.

 

I am so happy that God has blessed me with the outlook that children don’t keep. 

 

Some grow up here 

and some grow up there, 

in heaven.

Some are grown up, 

But have to go. 

 

And some were too perfect to set foot in this place. 

 

It is messy.

 

But through it all,

I’m finding the beauty.

 

The beautiful mess. 

 

 

 

 

 

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