Like many others, I suffer from the effects of PTSD in regards to child loss.
These effects debilitate me.
At the most random times.
With no warning.
I could be functioning super normal and at the blink of an eye I remember what happened.
1091 days ago.
I’m back to September 4, 2015.
I’m back at the moments of sneaking in to Bo’s bedroom, with the lights still off.
I’m back at touching his cold lifeless body.
I’m back there.
I’m back at the moment when I touched him saying out loud through my tears, “Oh, Bo....”
My heart slowly being put into a blender of destruction while I pushed on his stomach.
Breathing my air into his tiny little lungs.
I’m back at that moment.
And there is no stopping it.
Because that is post traumatic stress.
Because I have endured something that not a lot of people have to go through.
And there are times where I am watching a video on Facebook and it happens to be something sprinkled with life-saving measures.
Or a little boy drowning.
Or being left in a hot car.
And I’m back there.
I would’ve given my life to save my child.
But so would you.
Because I know you.
I know that you did everything you could.
And I also know that some days you wrestle with your mind to keep that in your grasp.
You did everything that you could.
You love your child.
Just as I love mine.
But PTSD is something that occurs in all of us that endure this pain.
And just because my child died at our home doesn’t mean that it makes it any easier for a child to go at the hospital.
PTSD is what happens when your mind is affected.
Your world is affected.
And how could it not be?
And for the outsider looking in to the world of child loss,
you are crazy to think that this is not going to affect us.
Or that we would ever forget. !?!
We would never.
We will never.
PTSD is ever present.
And is a constant
battle of your mind.
My mind was in shambles this morning.
As I watched videos of a little boy drowning and the parents had no idea.
I set my phone down.
And a few minutes later,
I continued to scroll,
Only to find a car tipped over in a flood and two children stuck inside.
CPR had to be done on each of them.
And they both survived.
And while I am glad that they both survived and the parents did too,
I am burdened with a heavy heart
and the desperate truth that I could not save my son.
I could not save him.
And some days I think he deserves a better mother.
Someone that could’ve saved him.
But then I realize that those are lies from hell.
They are lies that hold no purpose here.
So what you do when you are burdened with those thoughts?
Because, rationally you know that they are not true.
I take out my Armor and I put it on.
I arm myself with my Bible.
I opened it to find the verse of the day is:
“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”
Psalms 46:1 KJV
And I simply say,
GET BEHIND ME SATAN.
Because these are lies I will not stand for.
Because I did everything I could.
Because I love Bo.
I love my son.
And he loves me.
“Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.””
Matthew 16:23 NIV