And Then It Comes......

April 24, 2017

As I'm sitting here tonight, 

Just finishing up with our 

child loss support group, 

I was sitting on the computer, 

looking at random things. 

 

Just like that. 

 

It's September 4th 2015.

 

All. Over. Again. 

 

I was right there. 

I was in the room, 

BENEATH HIS BEDROOM!!

 

How could I not know? 

Seriously. 

How could his mommy, 

the one person in the world, 

how could I not know? 

 

To stop this hell. 

To stop this dream. 

 

It seems so unreal. 

I have to constantly shake my mind. 

I feel like I haven't yet settled into this life. 

Will I ever? How can I?

A life without your baby. 

 

This little boy... 

I birthed him. 

We went into labor on a Monday night.. 

He had me craving protein all the time. 

I remember telling my in laws... 

 

I remember finding out that we were pregnant. 

February 14, 2014. Valentines Day. 

Can you believe it? 

He shined love. All the time. 

 

And my gosh, how I miss him. 

His laugh. His smile. 

The cuddles he would give me in the morning. 

And the evening. 

The genuine smile that was on Ari's face. 

That was on Wayne's face. 

I miss Wayne. 

And our marriage. 

The blissfulness of our relationship. 

 

Why did this happen? 

Where did it start?

Why didn't I go up there.... 

 

Boom. 

 

I'm doing CPR. 

and He's stiff. 

And I'm crying. 

Hyperventilating. 

 

 

Why? 

Why HIM? 

 

He was perfect.

He was healthy. 

I swear it. 

I would have bet my life on it. 

 

The sting of this will never leave. 

And how could I want it to? 

Will that mean that I forgot him?

I should have breastfed him longer. 

I should have coslept. 

I should have ... 

I could have caught this. 

 

To you parents who have your children.

And are complaining about every day life. . 

I just want to shake you. 

STOP IT! 

Your child could be buried. 

They could be underground. 

I hate those damn words. 

 

Don't get it?

I don't expect you to. 

Welcome to the mind of child loss. 

The loss mind sucks. 

 

I don't even recognize this person 

that I've become. 

I'm heavier, edgier, 

messier, 

more forgetful. 

So much more forgetful. 

 

Whatever.

 

 

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