#ThoughtfulThursday

To all of those that say I’ve been distant, Well, I’m sorry. To all of those that say I’ve changed. I have and I won’t lie. To all of the old friends And the “good ole’ times we had” They are over and gone. To the Innocence that I’ve longed to delight myself in, I miss you entirely so. You don’t have to remind me. I’ve changed drastically. This I know. To the friends that aren’t friends, Because this road was too tough. I don’t blame you so. To my child that died, I long for you. To watch you grow. I long to see your smile. To hear your voice. And let the tears flow. To all of the child loss witnesses, Who’ve seen it impact people they love. Allow them some space. And when your love cries, I

PTSD and Child Loss

Like many others, I suffer from the effects of PTSD in regards to child loss. These effects debilitate me. At the most random times. With no warning. I could be functioning super normal and at the blink of an eye I remember what happened. 1091 days ago. I’m back to September 4, 2015. I’m back at the moments of sneaking in to Bo’s bedroom, with the lights still off. I’m back at touching his cold lifeless body. I’m back there. I’m back at the moment when I touched him saying out loud through my tears,  “Oh, Bo....” My heart slowly being put into a blender of destruction while I pushed on his stomach. Breathing my air into his tiny little lungs. I’m back at that moment. And there is no stopping

The Baumhardt Barn

We’ve known the Baumhardt family for years now. And we’ve made so many Countless memories. Together. In September 2016 I stood in a barn with a microphone. Our crazy idea was put into action. Bo’s Heavenly Clubhouse. And to think that it all started After our son, Bo passed away. All the hell that we endured. And months later to randomly get a box of numerous boxes of diapers. A huge box that had a tiny name. As the purchaser. Jodie Baumhardt Nothing else. Because, It was clear she didn’t want me to know. I reached out to her over Facebook. And here she was. A photo of her and her two girls. The loves of her life. From then on we became inseparable. But it wasn’t easy for her. Not being in t

How Do People Do It Without Jesus?

While we have endured this heartache, We have clenched to the love of God. And while we have endured these trenches, We have felt the temptation to give up. Give up on the life. Give up on our marriage. Give up on the idea of any positive coming out of Bo’s death. But then we found Jesus. How “religious” does that sound? Well. We found Jesus through prayer. But before Bo passed, I didn’t even know how to pray. It was only by him passing, That I was open to the experience of Jesus having anything to do with healing my broken heart. And then it happened. I prayed. I quieted my mind, And spoke out to Him. After I did- I felt this love grow. I don’t take communion. Not often, anyway. This is bec