We Still Break ...

So as I was washing the dishes this morning, I was stuck in a moment. This particular moment wasn't in the present. It wasn't today. I wasn't here. My head pointed left to look at our refrigerator. On the side of it sat a photo of him. As I studied my hands around his torso, I was to picture that exact moment in time. He was wearing a onesie. And his hair had never been cut. We were sitting on our living room floor, and I could feel what his body felt against my hands. It was Bo. As I came back to reality, Wayne came in the kitchen. I felt his arm brush across my back and he knew. He held me and said, "I miss him too hunny!" He just held me. As I broke down, I could hear in the background KL

A Crying Letter of Freedom

Lord, I know that you have this under control. I know that this is Your will. I'm filled with anxiety as this will be a tough week. Stirring up these emotions makes it feel so real and raw again. Seeing these families ache for their children breaks my heart all over again. And now this week- not one sweet baby, but two- you called home. I'm full of anxiety. And I know that I need to cast all of my anxieties on You. I'm shaking just thinking about it. The heartbreak evident. And rightly so. Tuesday is going to be one of the most challenging days. Let this be a test of my faith. Let this be others seeing You in me. Let this be whatever You are wanting this to be. My heart cries for freedom. St

Is There a Fight Song?

An emotional day came upon me yesterday. As I was called by a fellow loss mom. In all of the months leading up to this point, my go to sourcing quote was "Have Faith"- "Have Faith because Gods got this!" Even when I didn't have a strong faith myself. I knew there was a bigger plan. Bigger than what my brain had the capacity to fathom. Bigger than our biggest fear. Deeper than our deepest secret. God has a storyline for us. But then it happened. She called. Baby Noah was delivered. All I kept thinking was- "Dear God- let her say that he is okay!" I began to get restless with nerves. No heartbeat. How can this be? He was just here. Hours ago, he was kicking me, Amanda. How can this be? Driving